12/15/2024 09:54 PM  To Mourn A Living Person Is a heartwrenching feeling no matter the circumstances that may bring you to mourn the living. As I recall the past and think of what could've been, or a fallacy. What has always been.. I think of whether it is by your own hand, or others, or some unknown force. I cannot save you. Should I wait it out until our eventual departure, or save myself from the sight of a withering person? And maybe its for the best, I say trying to comfort myself. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. But it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts. The warning signs I failed to notice or brushed off as nothing have twisted into something horrible. Its akin to death. 0 Comments

09/12/2024 01:53 PM  LOL HEllo!!!! These are my actual blogs from Friendproject. Enjoy. It was hell digging them up, I'm really glad I saved some of them. A majority are way too sentimental to be here but here are SOME! 3 Comments

09/13/2024 11:41 AM  Update to my internet rant I will say, I still believe in that. But I'd be lying if I said it was all bad. Accessibility that came with the monetization of the internet is great! I'm glad people can access the internet with screenreaders. Plus moderation is something that I favor (to an extent, alot of modern moderation is no longer done by humans...) especially for downright morally wrong content. I would say illegal but i forgot pirating is illegal. Speaking of moderation, alot of it is done by bots because as far as I know its a very traumatizing stressful job. It makes sense, but it leads to false flagging. ALOT OF FALSE FLAGGING! I have gotten some really weird things taken down such as: 1 I had to delete my whole pinterest board cuz my art references kept getting taken down for nudity/promotion of sex/drugs. I would get punished as if they were my own pins, but they werent. 2. I got a comment taken down for sexual solicitation. I was talking about Titanfall 2. No way to file an appeal. 3. A very clearly PSX style graphic character getting taken down for self harm/suicide. GOD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! FUCK YOU META and maybe it might be good for preservation. I've seen so many WHOLE RECORD LABELS get lost (Vuzkid or V/VM test records) But I dont particularly know about that seeing how streaming services can phase media out of existance. I do enjoy alot of internet media from corporations though, such as the many MMOs that have sadly disappeard over the years. Thats another thing, I hate that theres no spaces for younger people anymore. Everyone is connected. Everyone. Theres not nearly as many MMOs anymore, theres a lack of specialized sites, and many corporations end up willingly and eagerly PROFITTING off these young vulnerable minds using their platforms. Its sad. We can do better. I just hate how the internet feels so sterile now. We need balance. Theres good things about the monetization of the internet but theres also bad sides to those good sides. 0 Comments

06/14/2023 05:24 PM  INTERNET RANT I feel like the internet has become simultaneously more open while becoming less personal. When I say social media ruined the goddamn internet, this is what I mean.  Can we talk about how fun it is to not have instant messaging,  not having notifications for that sh*t or not knowing when theyre typing? If theyve seen it or not? EXQUISITE. Its so fun. Instant messaging is way too invasive. People always want an answer immediately. Friendproject I feel is much more centered around the individual and their feelings, rather than their interests. This also goes for neocities because its like, a personal site. Its very fun seeing personal sites that arent business related. Show me ur cool hobbies!!!!! Show me your cool blogs!!!!!!  show me the tackiest color pallette with no care for ux rules!!! I feel because of how powerful the internet has become, people are less likely to share their feelings & personal things. Because well, things that are put online will be online forEVER. but, we got people being absolute creeps and weirdos on platforms like twitter & snapchat, so i dont understand why online diaries and blogs arent more popular. if you can have an outlet for weird sh*t, why arent blogs where you talk about personal stuff more popular? It really sucks that people dont know the joy of blogging. Theres so many less independent forums now, you just go to reddit for that. The monetization of the internet has killed what made the internet so special. Filled with f***ing ads. Everything you use daily is some big company. There are little to no viable alternatives. Because they killed their competition. How many people use Whatsapp opposed to Signal? probably something like 10000:10. Use the lesser known app and you'll basically be forced to get the popular one because everyone uses it. Remember when you had options? Plus, if you have a problem with one of these companies apps and the sh*tty way they moderate them, theres no way of getting help unless you pay up. If you dont, youre the product itself. (Instagram will not have support for non-paying users, because they are the product, unlike the customer.) Whens the last time you logged onto Neogaf?  Whens the last time you looked at r/PCgaming? not too long ago, huh? I will say that this sadly gives me a little bit of respect for 4chan. Just because despite housing some of the worst people, it f***ing stinks of old internet. In the worst way possible. Oh well.  TL, DR: We need independence on the internet again. Big corporations have killed the magic of the internet & what made it fun. 2 Comments

05/05/2023 10:54 PM  Lowkey I know I literally live in LA but f***! I wanna stay in PDX for atleast a weekk. Their scene is way too f***ing cool. Every time I wanna go to a show like 5/10 times its in f***in PDX. most of my fav DJs are from there, absolutely abysmal. Id wanna go to early 2000s toronto for their scene too. but thats never happening. Atleast I got the internet so i can listen to this sh*t without being there. Esp myspace bless myspace for getting all this music across the world. but also f*** myspace for not knowing how to transfer data. all that music lost 4evr 0 Comments

04/21/2023 09:54 PM  Another update to an older blog post This post is an update to... a past blog. Find it if you wish~ It's crazy how indoctrination can f*** you up for months, how it stays in your system for months on end even after you realize you were in a f***ed up ass situation. How it seems to be coming back to me years later. Stay safe kids. 0 Comments

03/06/2023 01:45 AM  Retrospect This is a retrospect or update to this blog   I found out why people need spirituality or religion. Its genuinely nice to know that there is someone watching over you, even if it's not real. Someone keeping you safe and making sure you and your family dont wind up dead. Though I think religion can stop people from literally thinking further about things because "God said so" or "god made it that way" or "thats what god wanted", i now understand why so many people turn to religion. especially in such hard times. 0 Comments

03/03/2023 09:00 PM  Loneliness Epidemic I hear people say all the time that loneliness is an epidemic around the world. Gen Z is lonely.  Blah blah blah Sometimes i think it may not be the case for me, that I naturally just get depressed when not talked to for hours, i think that this loneliness epidemic is brewin' something special for me though. Is it positive , or negative? i dont know.  I've been starting to develop a special kind of love for my friends. As mentioned many times before........ I dont know why either. Well, this is the biggest support system i've had in my life. and i understand that its quite important, given having a f***ed up mental illness like mine. But yeah. Every time I go on some big social media site a few videos or articles get thrown at me about how lonely Gen Z is. Maybe it's gotten to me in a few ways. I cant even say why I have developed that kinda love though... Sure, my friends have 1000% been appearing in my life more & more and been in more milestones for me than i thought.. I'd never tell my friends this but like lmao I love yall more than yall could know.I wish it was acceptable to say that without it being percieved as romantic. You guys dont know how important you are to me. I want to say it to their faces. But i cant, or else id be weird. I feel like a broken record nowadays because of how much I talk abt the love i have for myfriends; but its been undescribable lately. cant really talk about it, either. no one really sticks around long enough for me to ramble about this kinda sh*t. Maybe thats the epidemic people are talkin about. I don't know man. I went to another concert with them, and I was in the pit getting absolutely f***ed up. (in a good way) Every once in the while, they'd find me and grab my hand or my shoulder to make sure I'm okay. im so genuinely grateful for them, because theyre f***ing awesome and hell, none of my other friends make sure im okay like that!!! not even in daily life. I hope they know how genuinely grateful I am for them because I dont wanna be a bother. on another note, I thought being in the pit would f***ing suck after experiencing trauma but goddamn its the best ive felt this year. Maybe its because i was super high. most likely not though LOL maybe its a mix. i think its a mix. but yeah, apparently physical touch is very important to me and i actually dont mind it all that much. surprisingly. im probably not bothered by it by them because i feel safe around em yannow! anyways yeah I really love my friends too much. not even just the friend mentioned here i really love my friends. especially now that im getting older. I need to thank my friends a f*** ton for giving me the biggest support system i ever had in my life. I love you guys 0 Comments

03/01/2023 8:30 AM  Flowers for Algernon very interesting how memories and trauma are stored and how the smallest association can send you into a frenzy. especially experiences with daily things, like seatbelts. I relate to that and it breaks my heart every time i have to learn that someone else has experienced that same thing. Its like your rational brain is fighting with your emotional one which is pretty much this book lol! I do relate to the being intelligent but always being emotionally behind. Not as much anymore now, but for a long time I was really like emotionally stunted. i think the whole conscious charlie vs subconscious charlie reverting back is pretty interesting. Being aware of what is going on in your brain is pretty jarring, i cant lie. its pretty terrifying. and gross. I do like seeing his emotional intellgience heighten more especially when its about Norma, sad that it has to be going on when hes reverting back but it makes for an interesting story. its so sad seeing him deteriorate but still understand some concepts and have some traces of his new self remain, like him saying he wont take charity from anyone. its sad that no matter what hes quite isolated from other people, on a different level than everyone else, just in different ways. i will say seeing the ¨other¨ him always watching him is kinda strange. i understand if its like paranoia hallucination but he stays even after Charlies deterioration. I knew this book was gonna break my heart from the beginnning, I knew something was gonna go terribly wrong if it wasnt his decline. I thought that his eventual downfall wouldve been by his own ego and superiority. I thought it would´ve been from his emotional intelligence as well or unresolved familial issues. That wouldve been interesting but atleast I´ve gotten a taste of what that ending wouldve been like, its not like the possibilty wasnt explored or anything. I cannot fathom how terrifying it would be to start losing what you hold so dear and knowing it. Begging that you dont lose the knowledge of reading and writing. this is gonna stick with me for a while LMFAO 0 Comments

01/16/2023 12:01 PM  Humanity the weird thing about humanity existing for longer than i can comprehened is that no one ever really does something for the first time. though you are doing your first steps your first breaths your first moments of independence your first bite of an unfamiliar food there may be a human eons away that did that exact same thing in the same place as you in moments you will feel anguished and alone and that no one could possibly understand you, when there are possibly millions of people that you dont know that lived before you and experienced those exact same feelings of betrayal, friendship, love, pain grief & anger 0 Comments

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