12/15/2024 09:54 PM  To Mourn A Living Person Is a heartwrenching feeling no matter the circumstances that may bring you to mourn the living. As I recall the past and think of what could've been, or a fallacy. What has always been.. I think of whether it is by your own hand, or others, or some unknown force. I cannot save you. Should I wait it out until our eventual departure, or save myself from the sight of a withering person? And maybe its for the best, I say trying to comfort myself. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. But it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts. The warning signs I failed to notice or brushed off as nothing have twisted into something horrible. Its akin to death. 0 Comments

09/12/2024 01:53 PM  LOL HEllo!!!! These are my actual blogs from Friendproject. Enjoy. It was hell digging them up, I'm really glad I saved some of them. A majority are way too sentimental to be here but here are SOME! 3 Comments

09/13/2024 11:41 AM  Update to my internet rant I will say, I still believe in that. But I'd be lying if I said it was all bad. Accessibility that came with the monetization of the internet is great! I'm glad people can access the internet with screenreaders. Plus moderation is something that I favor (to an extent, alot of modern moderation is no longer done by humans...) especially for downright morally wrong content. I would say illegal but i forgot pirating is illegal. Speaking of moderation, alot of it is done by bots because as far as I know its a very traumatizing stressful job. It makes sense, but it leads to false flagging. ALOT OF FALSE FLAGGING! I have gotten some really weird things taken down such as: 1 I had to delete my whole pinterest board cuz my art references kept getting taken down for nudity/promotion of sex/drugs. I would get punished as if they were my own pins, but they werent. 2. I got a comment taken down for sexual solicitation. I was talking about Titanfall 2. No way to file an appeal. 3. A very clearly PSX style graphic character getting taken down for self harm/suicide. GOD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! FUCK YOU META and maybe it might be good for preservation. I've seen so many WHOLE RECORD LABELS get lost (Vuzkid or V/VM test records) But I dont particularly know about that seeing how streaming services can phase media out of existance. I do enjoy alot of internet media from corporations though, such as the many MMOs that have sadly disappeard over the years. Thats another thing, I hate that theres no spaces for younger people anymore. Everyone is connected. Everyone. Theres not nearly as many MMOs anymore, theres a lack of specialized sites, and many corporations end up willingly and eagerly PROFITTING off these young vulnerable minds using their platforms. Its sad. We can do better. I just hate how the internet feels so sterile now. We need balance. Theres good things about the monetization of the internet but theres also bad sides to those good sides. 0 Comments

06/14/2023 05:24 PM  INTERNET RANT I feel like the internet has become simultaneously more open while becoming less personal. When I say social media ruined the goddamn internet, this is what I mean.  Can we talk about how fun it is to not have instant messaging,  not having notifications for that sh*t or not knowing when theyre typing? If theyve seen it or not? EXQUISITE. Its so fun. Instant messaging is way too invasive. People always want an answer immediately. Friendproject I feel is much more centered around the individual and their feelings, rather than their interests. This also goes for neocities because its like, a personal site. Its very fun seeing personal sites that arent business related. Show me ur cool hobbies!!!!! Show me your cool blogs!!!!!!  show me the tackiest color pallette with no care for ux rules!!! I feel because of how powerful the internet has become, people are less likely to share their feelings & personal things. Because well, things that are put online will be online forEVER. but, we got people being absolute creeps and weirdos on platforms like twitter & snapchat, so i dont understand why online diaries and blogs arent more popular. if you can have an outlet for weird sh*t, why arent blogs where you talk about personal stuff more popular? It really sucks that people dont know the joy of blogging. Theres so many less independent forums now, you just go to reddit for that. The monetization of the internet has killed what made the internet so special. Filled with f***ing ads. Everything you use daily is some big company. There are little to no viable alternatives. Because they killed their competition. How many people use Whatsapp opposed to Signal? probably something like 10000:10. Use the lesser known app and you'll basically be forced to get the popular one because everyone uses it. Remember when you had options? Plus, if you have a problem with one of these companies apps and the sh*tty way they moderate them, theres no way of getting help unless you pay up. If you dont, youre the product itself. (Instagram will not have support for non-paying users, because they are the product, unlike the customer.) Whens the last time you logged onto Neogaf?  Whens the last time you looked at r/PCgaming? not too long ago, huh? I will say that this sadly gives me a little bit of respect for 4chan. Just because despite housing some of the worst people, it f***ing stinks of old internet. In the worst way possible. Oh well.  TL, DR: We need independence on the internet again. Big corporations have killed the magic of the internet & what made it fun. 2 Comments

03/01/2023 8:30 AM  Flowers for Algernon very interesting how memories and trauma are stored and how the smallest association can send you into a frenzy. especially experiences with daily things, like seatbelts. I relate to that and it breaks my heart every time i have to learn that someone else has experienced that same thing. Its like your rational brain is fighting with your emotional one which is pretty much this book lol! I do relate to the being intelligent but always being emotionally behind. Not as much anymore now, but for a long time I was really like emotionally stunted. i think the whole conscious charlie vs subconscious charlie reverting back is pretty interesting. Being aware of what is going on in your brain is pretty jarring, i cant lie. its pretty terrifying. and gross. I do like seeing his emotional intellgience heighten more especially when its about Norma, sad that it has to be going on when hes reverting back but it makes for an interesting story. its so sad seeing him deteriorate but still understand some concepts and have some traces of his new self remain, like him saying he wont take charity from anyone. its sad that no matter what hes quite isolated from other people, on a different level than everyone else, just in different ways. i will say seeing the ¨other¨ him always watching him is kinda strange. i understand if its like paranoia hallucination but he stays even after Charlies deterioration. I knew this book was gonna break my heart from the beginnning, I knew something was gonna go terribly wrong if it wasnt his decline. I thought that his eventual downfall wouldve been by his own ego and superiority. I thought it would´ve been from his emotional intelligence as well or unresolved familial issues. That wouldve been interesting but atleast I´ve gotten a taste of what that ending wouldve been like, its not like the possibilty wasnt explored or anything. I cannot fathom how terrifying it would be to start losing what you hold so dear and knowing it. Begging that you dont lose the knowledge of reading and writing. this is gonna stick with me for a while LMFAO 0 Comments

01/16/2023 12:01 PM  Humanity the weird thing about humanity existing for longer than i can comprehened is that no one ever really does something for the first time. though you are doing your first steps your first breaths your first moments of independence your first bite of an unfamiliar food there may be a human eons away that did that exact same thing in the same place as you in moments you will feel anguished and alone and that no one could possibly understand you, when there are possibly millions of people that you dont know that lived before you and experienced those exact same feelings of betrayal, friendship, love, pain grief & anger 0 Comments

01/13/2023 09:34 AM  GIRL IN F***ING PIECES I finished this book in under a week! My teacher had it in his library and I pray to god he does not notice the water damage. TW SA SH Synopsis: The book focuses on 17 year old Charlie Davis, who has known nothing but struggle all of her life. From living homeless on the street, losing friends, to experiencing rejection and being preyed upon. She makes an abrupt move from Minnesota to Arizona after she realizes her mother won't be able to care for her any longer. She struggles with self mutilation, the shame that comes with it, and her artwork. My review from a few days ago: This is a VERY realistic depiction of self harm and how it makes you feel. the shame and everything that comes with it. how people will always have something to say about your looks- whether theyre calling you a walking trigger or how you shouldnt hide your scars. how everyones perception on you seems to dictate you. this book revolves around self destruction in general, how you want to tear down everything and everything with you. I really love how her mindset at the start and end of the book are completely f***ing different. How at one point she thinks she has lost everything, and just a few weeks later shes back on her feet. rinse and repeat until its truly better. I really love how she has a supportive environment that really fosters her. a community that truly wants to look out for her. i really appreciate how it wasnt just bad sh*t happening to her over and over again. HOWEVER IT REDEEMS THE F***ING GROOMER AND IT FLUSHED EVERYTHING DOWN THE F***ING DRAIN LIKE EXCUSE ME AUTHOR YOU Just RUINED THE WHOLE BOOK. I kind of understand because it IS from this almost 18/freshly 18 year old that wants to be loved so bad's point of view. That makes me understand. but at the same time, dude you wrote this book to help struggling kids. please dont normalize relationships like that. 10 years older man. thats disgusting but then again GODDD I UNDERSTAND WHY SHE FELL INTO A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THATTTT its part of the self destruction (while also hopelessly clinging onto any affection and attention however hollow it may be) plus what she experienced from her mother and literally all the bad men in her life but that doesnt f***in change the fact that it was EXCUSED. 0 Comments

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